Lt. Pistoff has gone away. Thought I’d never see the day. Told myself I’d celebrate. See him tomorrow in Time Shop, can’t wait. Tried to keep the wound alive. Got stupid now I don’t know what’s what. Thought I’d go with sexual drive. Drained my mind. Lt. Pistoff! Lt. Pistoff! I hate you come back! Look at this here. I don’t know it’s weird. Fellas drinking their beer. Doesn’t mean anything. I always want you back but you wait till I don’t. Makes you real. It’s why I hate you. Then I look down and I want you back. I look at this, this in front of my eyes, I see the devastation of my mind. I need to hear you bark. Sets off a spark. Takes out the rhyme. Ruth writing his mother for the last time the way things are going now that you died. All the fellas are sad. No one knows how full everything is… without you. It’s really, really full. You wouldn’t believe it. It’s so full it’s just nothing. No one will ever know, but it’s funny. I just twist the cap while the fellas stare. I don’t care though, I like it, makes me feel like you’re there. Lt. Pistoff! Lt. Pistoff! Rise from the ground! Grow! Oh my god! No one will ever know. Butch and Vig and Stan and Cube, they all miss you ol’ boy. It’s great, I can just go Adam, it makes them full. The blasts though the blasts. Every little one. Get out my gun. Take my revenge. But revenge is only sweet when you’re there. Revenge is only sweet when it’s revenge. God must be miserable. But now he has you… Lt. Pistoff! Lt. Pistoff! See you tomorrow! It’s all over here. Fellas think I’m a queer. Give them some beer. Fuck some shit up. Free Lenny mad. Thinks I’m my dad. Fellas are sad. Synchronous devastation sounds good. Logic harder. Not for you but twist cap further. Who cares, gives me the exercise. Bafflement in your eyes. Get out my gun it’s all I know. It’s something like talking better than nothing for me fuck logic fuck you. I like twisting the cap like F. said about D. Makes sense to me in upper regions don’t feel it. Throw a grenade. Wish I got laid. Wish I got paid. Only got made. I can go on. I can live without you. I can live in the ground. Hope tomorrow better think stick shit now why fuck not twist you waste me shit no fuck me. Nadarene, oh I crave Nadarene. Day 2. Babarbar had enough. No Time Shop no cough. Need green costs tedium. A desert out here must be 50 degrees. Babarbar has the nectar my throat cracking up. Things are changing. Supposed to repeat. Nadarene I want sweet Nadarene. Waiting for Babarbar to bring me sweet Nadarene here in the sun charge my gun. Curse this land! You gave it then took it. Hookookakah smoked me dry. Had to get a Tetnix shot. Felt great. Nadarene, need to strangle sweet Nadarene. Can’t get enough sweet Nadarene. Oh Nadarene come! go! in! out! forever! forever! I need your juices to keep me alive sweet Nadarene! sweet sweet Nadarene! Oh! Day 3. Craving craving more more Nadarene Nadarene sweet sweet juice. I want you Nadarene hurt me Nadarene hurt you Nadarene sweet sweet juice. Again again up down oh. Carcaralons coming out this time of year. I can ride one out of here. I can roast a plump one. Feed the whole bunch of us for a night. The locals here have good pastaco, we can all sit around and let it take us away. Do their crazy dance for us. Oh this land and the treasures far far from home. A world a universe away. Dance dance consume me. I want to forget I cannot get Nadarene. Ever. Day 4. Evil birds! Away! Away! Shoo! You stole my morning dreams! Oh the craving how I hoped to escape you. I’m shaking convulsing. I want you I want you so bad. Shrieking shrieking away evil birds! Why why did he make you so sweet juice? I can’t understand. Nothing seems right with or without you. Home Home I’ll never go home I’ll never be home I’ll always want. Into Into. Into Into. Into Into sweet sweet juice. Day 5. Huskoes coming fellas all heard shots this morning. Making their way surely. Sheezee Sheezee enliven spirit epic in me. Smoke Hoop. Hold on. Now I’m there. Time passé but you don’t see it. Good to unload. Big one first. Advancing. Blubber Lou yippie aii yeah get me out of here hooray. I’ll put juice in my pocket bring it to your desk. Whore Blubber Lou hiding behind the tree I see you peek-a-boo. I did it for you. I sold out what can ya do. Day 6. (Unfinished)

Sgt. Flash said he’d be back some day. He said the fear will be back. He said my body will be his once again. I worked at rebuilding my life every day, and stayed up listening for the door every night. I knew it could happen any time. I knew my work will be turned to ash. The harvest is better than it’s been in years, but I can feel him coming around. I can feel him looking at me when I work the land, I can feel his lust, he wants the blood in my veins. He said my body is his possession. He said when I get ill he’ll have to take extreme measures. He said don’t work too hard and you won’t get ill. He said keep your blood pure.

When I see them on the street, when I see them in their cars, when I see them on a bus or in the mall or in my house, when I see them walking, running, jogging, sitting, in their business suits, jogging attire, winter coats, naked, there is just one thing I am thinking: all these people have behinds. I can’t get over it. You look at their faces and you want to take them seriously, you get to know them and you think about their personality, but every last one of them has a behind. How can it be? Can it be true? I don’t understand it. A beautiful woman tried to talk to me the other day but I had to turn away. I couldn’t talk to her. I couldn’t face her. She seemed really nice but I was too ashamed. I was ashamed for her sake. How could she so shamelessly walk around… sporting a behind? I can’t deal with it. I saw a doctor and he pointed out that I too have a behind. Initially I was enraged. I stormed out of his office without another word. I took a long walk of shame back to my apartment, unable to make eye contact with any passerby. I barricaded my doors, I cursed god, I renounced him. I told myself that from now on I am a child of Satan. I refused to believe in a god that attached me to a behind. How could he? Why? I drank myself blind trying to escape the pain. All my life I had struggled with the question: how can I ever respect anyone with a behind? But now me? I myself too? I had lost all hope and desire to live. I was enveloped in darkness and saw no way out. I felt unclean and unworthy of His love. And yet he did it to me! And I was the one who felt humiliated! I thought Satan would show me the way out. I thought Satan would take away my shame. But I was wrong. I was mistaken. I was rash and foolish. And when I awakened from my drunken slumbers I was always still attached to a behind. That’s when I realized this problem will never go away, and only He can give me the strength to get through each day. I must never question His reasons, for they would be beyond my comprehension, but I must remain assured that He had a good reason for doing it. I must remain assured His motives were pure. I still don’t go out much. I still can’t face them. I still struggle to accept myself. I’m too ashamed to buy toilet paper, so I don’t eat much and try not to use my behind. After I pass gas I bathe. After I defecate I sit naked in the basement for 48 hours, until the filth crusts up and falls on its own, then I bathe 5 times in 5 different bathtubs I had installed, then replace the bathtubs and the floors, then bathe twice more in two different bathtubs, then replace them, then bathe once more. I refuse to be one of the sinners. I refuse to use my hands to do Satan’s work. I will endure any hardship before inserting my hands into evil. I am a martyr and will be greatly rewarded. I sleep soundly through the night and awaken with the strength I need to face another day. I have seen into the darkness and have emerged stronger for it. I have journeyed to the underworld and can now face what I once thought unbearable. My soul is pure and does not have a behind. My doctor says I am very ill, but he does not speak to god. He uses his hand to clean his behind, then washes his hand with a bit of soap, then pulls up his pants and calls it a day. He disgusts me. I despise him and refuse to see him or take the pills he gives me. One day his judgment will come.

The asses are going to fart tomorrow. That is because they are going to violate me. Whenever they violate me they follow it up with a fart. The farting itself is a violation. They like to couple violation upon violation. They like to emasculate me. They tell me what to do and they fart. If I obey, they fart. If I refuse, they fart. I think they really like to fart. The asses will be farting in the coffee shop, they’ll be farting on the bus, they’ll be farting in the drug-shop, they’ll be farting on the sidewalk. Tomorrow is the day and I have to brace myself. They’ll violate me and fart, I will obey and they’ll fart, and they’ll keep farting for a very long time. They made me feel like a man so that one day they can let it all out. They let me breathe clean air so that tomorrow they can fart and fart and fart.