FIRE
Joe McCabe
SETTING: Two men (both 30-50) are standing to one side of the stage talking. They are dressed as civilians:
STUART in slacks, a turtleneck sweater, and a tweed jacket and ERIC in pinstripes and wingtips.
ERIC has an attache case labeled: "SIGNS." STUART has a professorial manner; ERIC is very businesslike.
A female OFFICER (25-40) wearing a dress uniform and carrying a sword enters from the opposite side of the stage,
stands at attention, raises her sword, and brings it down smartly as she shouts.
STUART: What?
OFFICER: I said: "FIRE!"
ERIC: Where?
STUART: You should never shout "FIRE" in a crowded theater.
OFFICER: But we aren't in a crowded theater.
ERIC: Is this building burning? Is it really on fire?
OFFICER: I wasn't shouting about that kind of fire.
STUART: What kind of fire did you have in mind?
OFFICER: A firing squad's fire. The sound of rifles firing.
ERIC: Do you suppose your firing squad is deaf?
OFFICER: Apparently so. I'm not getting through to them.
STUART: When you say something a man should hear, be sure to shout in his good ear.
(ERIC opens his attaché case, selects a sign reading "FIRE," and hands it to the OFFICER.)
ERIC: I have an assortment of signs. Here. Try this one. It might work.
OFFICER: Thank you. You've both been very helpful. (With her left hand the OFFICER holds the
sign up so the audience can read it. As she again brings her sword down smartly, she shouts.) FIRE!
(The sound of six rifles firing is heard; STUART and ERIC crumple to the floor apparently dead;
and the lights dim to dark, while the OFFICER stands at attention.)
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